Whoaaaaaa. What a title hey. Divorce is sad and messy. What you believed was once love you either question if it ever was? You wonder how you got to this place? You wonder who you were ever married to as you don't know them. You believe your life revolved around someone who didn’t feel the same? Pouring your life over someone who has now moved on? Playing now a power struggle of who stays on top, financially, mentally or with your children affections.
Let me for a moment just pause on that topic of children. They are watching you, they grow up believing that you are not human that you are something else, stronger than human. This is neither healthy for them or achievable for you. It is ok to say you feel sad. It is ok to be effected but its equally important to share how you are dealing with it in a positive way. They need to learn from you that sadness is ok, emotional upset it happens but how we tackle that is equally important.
Communication is absolute key not only for you and your partner but those around you. The words unsaid fester in the air. Divorce happens for many different reasons and to be honest usually a lack of communication is a key factor so to expect to see communication through a divorce is a challenge. However it is the difference between keeping some honesty and way through it as a possibility. When the bitterness takes over and causes false niceties and on the other scale, out right war. The communication is no longer effective.
Why aren't people just honest all the time? Usually a false impression that by being honest we will somehow hurt the others feelings. We think its more complicated that than, but in summary thats pretty much it, maybe an element of fear also but it, for most, starts with hurt. However the longer you keep something, the more painful it is for not only you who hides behind the truth, but the person who needs to hear it. Honesty from the start is key to finding a way to move on through pain. If you have made the mistake of not being honest in your communication, now is the time to change it and keep it changed. Even when the reaction to your honesty may not be what you want, honesty is always what needs to happen to move through the pain.
Why did the divorce happen
It may be too late for this marriage. However its important to take away the lessons from it. Why didn't it work? So often we see marriage as something complicated and challenging. However it is very simple if you are honest about what you want from the very beginning. Make that contract at the start, think of it as a legal agreement of what you will bring to the party. ‘I will be in charge of taking out the trash and washing up? I don't have very good interior knowledge so you are more creative you happy to do that?’.
I am surprised at the number of people who have not discussed how they will bring up their children (they get married and realise that they have conflicting views) some even marry and realise that one wants children and the other doesn't.
Also consider what type of person you are in a relationship, do you need contact all the time, do you need physical contact often, will you want to do things on your own. It is important to understand this before you start a new relationship so you can make ways to ensure that all your needs are met. If someone feels uneasy when not in their partners company but the other needs there own space, it doesn't make the relationship not achievable it just means you need to be clear on honesty, communication and then building that into your personal contract.
If you are struggling through a divorce of personal relationship then I am happy to help.